i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
