He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
