So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
