I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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