my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
