i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
