Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
