Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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