your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
