Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
