who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
