just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
