a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
