My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
