I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I touched a dick in church today
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
