Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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