Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm both gender and math confused
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
