The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
