My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
