The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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