Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Actions speak louder than pants.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
