When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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