He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
