My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
