I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
