They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
