you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
