I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
