Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
