nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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