That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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