discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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