my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So much Jack, so little girl.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
