Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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