I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
