fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
P.S. I can't hear my feet
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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