Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
