I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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