Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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