I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
