Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
