this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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