My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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