So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
third nipple confirmed
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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