if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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