chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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