This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
