the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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