I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I have already put on my inside pants.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
