I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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