Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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