my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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